How wonderful it feels to have finally found someone whom we believe is meant to be our life's partner--the one we have been praying for all these years, who possesses the qualities we look for in a mate. Life now becomes more colorful, more meaningful...then one day we realize the relationship is no longer as exciting as it was in the beginning. Petty quarrels lead to frequent disagreements and misunderstanding, and then we ask ourselves, “What went wrong? Has my discernment gone wrong?”

Discernment is more than just continuous prayers, and loving someone is more than just accepting the person and all his/her imperfections. Relationships are a journey of discoveries about our very self and about our partner, involving a series of decisions, either as an individual or as a couple. It is a cliché that love is not just a feeling, but a decision, but many of us stop the decision process there. Thus, the relationship stagnates. We fail to realize that along with the decision to love are series of other decisions we must make in order to become a suitable mate.

Many of us have issues in life--issues within ourselves which do not go away until we decide to overcome them,  and a number of these issues we only discover when we are with a partner. Therefore, bringing in another person in our lives does not make things any better--in fact, it often complicates the matter. It is a foolish thought that one becomes a better person because of his/her partner. No! One becomes who he is because of the decision he made for himself and not for someone else’s sake.

We all have certain wants and needs that we expect to receive, especially when we are in a relationship. It goes without saying then that unmet needs become another potential source of conflict. This being said, I believe that love, whether it be a feeling, a decision or both, is not the “be all and end all” of a successful lasting relationship. Why? Because a decision to love is a decision with a consideration of another person in our lives. But the issues we are to face are issues unique to ourselves and just happen to surface when the relationship started. Thus, deciding to overcome these issues should be made on our own and not exclusively in consideration of the other person. Otherwise, it becomes a burden and further leads to struggles.

The decision to change one’s self for the better is a decision that should be made by the person himself, not for the sake of the relationship and not for the sake of the person we are with. Our loved ones can only inspire us and not dictate us to do things we are supposed to be doing for ourselves. The success of a relationship is also not all about God. No matter how convinced the couple is that the one they are with is the one sent by God, if either one or both of them is not willing to cooperate with God’s plan, then, the relationship becomes meaningless as well. God brought two people together to help each other become a better person and be a suitable partner for each other and, together, join Him in heaven one day.

But do not mistake helping for demanding or dictating. Remember, only the person himself is accountable to God for his own failings and only he can make amends about it. We cannot simply entrust everything to the hands of God. We have to do our part in cooperating in His plan for our lives and on becoming a suitable partner to the one He has meant to be with us. If a great relationship suddenly ended, it’s not always because the couple did not love each other enough, it simply means they are not best suited for each other. A relationship is supposed to bring out the best in us and make us more like Christ. If the relationship leads elsewhere, and if we feel that we can be the best of who we are without the person we are with at this time, then there’s no point in hanging on to that relationship no matter how seemingly “perfect” it is.

This is not to spoil the mood of those who are in a relationship and are having a great time with it. This is simply an attempt to help us in our discernment and to further reflect upon our individual life issues that affect the way we relate with our loved ones.

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