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Loved both of yours Peggy. Especially the used brain!
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Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.
They both got down to business and wrote lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.
When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles.
God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing! My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?"
God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves."
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Peggy! lol...
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Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains... because they've been used."
(Forgive me, I couldn't help myself!)
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Andy W. wrote on November 16th, 2009
Funny limericks. Great Hilary.
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A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
__________________________________
Mr. and Mrs. Frobisher had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Frobisher.
"What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."
__________________________________
A couple of hours into a visit a mother noticed her son hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," the son replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
________________________________
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Limerick fun:
There once was a slimmer named Steen
Who grew so phenomenally lean
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
So that sideways he couldn't be seen.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An elderly man called Keith
Mislaid his set of false teeth -
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There once was a fellow named Sarge
who married a psychic named Marge.
The weight soon appeared,
and just as he feared,
his medium became extra-large.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A tutor who tooted her flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?
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nice one, Karen.
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A 30-year-old blonde decides to try horseback riding
for the first time.
With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
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Funny ones ! Paul & Nancy Thanks..
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Rosa C. wrote on November 14th, 2009
Paul that was nice!!
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A guy walks into a bar wearing a Kansas City Chiefs jersey, and carrying a cat that also has a Chiefs jersey on with a little Chiefs helmet on his head, too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Chiefs game here? My TV is broken and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but its not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the Chiefs kick a field goal. The excited cat jumps up on the bar, walking up and down it and giving everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"
The guy answers, "I don't know. I've only had him for 3 years."
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Andy W. wrote on November 14th, 2009
God, OP. Tee hee...They are all funny, Paul!
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Paul H. wrote on November 14th, 2009
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Paul H. wrote on November 14th, 2009
Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"
Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."
Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"
Man replies "Who is that?"
Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"
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